On writing.

It has been some time since I wrote anything. Writing has been a strength I have neglected in favour of things I find much easier.
It's odd how I have made the switch from a preference for writing to expressing myself in purely visual terms. I am reluctant to explain the pictures with any accompanying words, even being reluctant often to give any kind of title to a work other than place & date.
I have however been feeling that this is not enough & ideas keep springing up. So many ideas!
As I am now responsible for encouraging, empowering & enabling change in others I must be the change myself. I can't expect others to follow if I don't lead, or at least
clear a path.
I have an unusual amount of fear associated with putting writing out there; it's so definite & specific. A picture can be interpreted differently by anyone who views it. A piece of prose, an opinion, a statement are all quite rigid. My fear of defininition almost contradicts my openness to change, as if the written word is a final statement. If the mind & body can achieve incredible transformations why should the word be so restrictive? I need to not be held back by words & rather use them as the bridge to somewhere else, to not fear having to stick to them, to treat each sentence & phrase as a draft or sketch; a stepping stone to something much greater.
There is truth to be leaped upon. First I must skip.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for...
1. Warm scarves that wrap snugly around warm hats.
2. Hail storms in my face.
3. Chinese food.
4. 80's videos.
5. Having two jobs.

Gratitude list.

Today I am grateful for
1. Antibiotics.
2. Being welcomed back to work.
3. Cranes.
4. Toadstools in the park.
5. Getting better.

Gratitude list

1. Public transport, even though it got me there late it got me where I needed to go.
2. My very accepting, generous & thoughtful colleagues in both places of work.
3. Blackstar which I am listening to as I type.
4. Being open about the things which once made me bad because they now make me good.
5. Being outside on winter mornings.

I'm under a week from having an experience I've dreamed of for nearly 40 years & I am slipping backwards. So there's a need to remind myself just how far I've come...
39 years ago you saw a movie that so gripped you it took over your life. You dreamed of meeting the people in that movie. You dreamed of being in those places & experiencing that universe. In 5 days time that dream is coming true. You've done it. You're about to have an experience you could only dream about then. Enjoy it. Feel proud if yourself.
22 years ago you wanted faith. You wanted to experience the joy, flow & righteous ease that you saw people of faith experience. You tested it & it led you down a dark path. You realise now that faith is not an external thing proven by voices, signs & miracles. Faith is not found in books written by men. It's an internal switch to be thrown when you're ready to put your faith & trust in the universe. Now you see those signs constantly. Now you see those miracles every day. Now you know that Goduniversejesusjehova wants you to succeed, supports you & guides you along the path to achieving your divine purpose.
20 years ago you wanted to run projects that changed people's lives & help them to turn things around. You did it. You still see the evidence of that on a weekly basis. You can't walk down the street without bumping into someone who you helped make a positive change to their life.
You saved at least four lives directly. How many others did you save indirectly with a listening ear, with good advice or with a kind word? How many others made decisions that changed or saved their lives because of what you did?
11 years ago you wanted a beautiful child to make your life complete. You have that now. He makes you happy in so many new ways every day. We grow together & I am grateful for all the lessons he encourages me to learn.
6 years ago you wanted to make & sell clothes. You set up your stall & made money by making accessories for two weddings & made a ton of ties for another wedding that all your family were proud to wear. You sold a tie to an A list celebrity. One of your favourite shops thought they were so good they took them in & sold them. You've had to prioritise other things & let it fall by the wayside for now but you can begin again & next time be even more successful.
3 years ago you wanted to be physically fit & healthy. You are now. It's two years since you had to take antibiotics. You worked hard at it & you have never been this well.
Just over two years ago you had no money & no job. Within months you had three jobs. Now you have money. You will find another job. You will find another three jobs.
Last year you said you wanted to change your job. You found the TA course & the placement & made it work. You've worked really hard over the past year & you have got it done. You got brilliant feedback from your placement & all of your written work. You've found it difficult & stressful & a couple of times you nearly gave it all up but you persevered & completed everything successfully. You've tired yourself out doing it & now you need to rest but be proud!
Last year one of your most treasured friends died & you said you wouldn't run away from the grief. You said you would not hide it, push it down or drink or take anything to suppress the true feelings. You wanted to honour his life & his passing by not letting it wreck you. You did it. You made sure the whole sorry mess wasn't a waste by learning from it & feeling it, every last horrific bit. When you got stuck you asked for help & you found it & you moved through it. I am grateful for the life of my friend & all the gifts he gave me in life & in death.
13 years ago you wanted to stop taking drugs. It's been 13 years since you last snorted or smoked anything. You're free!
You have always wanted to manage social situations without drinking. Now you do it all the time. No need for booze to block out the fear, you just cruise through all that nonsense.
3 years ago you wanted people to see your art. You had an exhibition in the first Hull International Photography Festival. You exhibited pictures in Ferens gallery & sold them. You were asked to join a group of local photographers who's work you admired & exhibited alongside them. Your pictures are being used in films to promote City of Culture. People continue to enjoy & praise every image you let loose.
You make things happen.
You can't help it.
What are you going to make happen next?

posted from Bloggeroid

Would you carry a razor in case of depression?

God is dead & He knows I have cried.

It's kind of a joke this worship but it's also serious.

As far back as I can remember I have worshipped a lightning faced God. That benign image propped up by the coffee table in the council house. How many hours have I stared at Those impenetrable eye lids? How many mornings did I listen to side one of Diamond Dogs while looking out if the window waiting for the school bus to tear me away from worship. The bus always ended the ritual, pulled me away from my beautiful dystopia in Hunger City & dragged me unwillingly back to the mundane real world. How far have I been transported by listening to Neukoln or Subterraneans when lulled into that divine trance state that they never fail to create.

Throughout the past three years I have been going through a process of recovery. A significant part of my recovery has been a spiritual awakening.

I had always envied people with faith, they seemed to have a kind of contented glow. It was something I lacked & coveted. So I asked for faith. I affirmed my faith, I faked faith until eventually I found I had faith. I found it had been there all the time. I had found that I just wasn't brave enough to let it out. The fear kept the cage door securely bolted. The dull grey bars kept the colours in.

As my faith grows He moves on, leaving us a note to say goodbye, a last gasp, glorious sounds, His most beautiful death rattle. His final document of greatness is the first not to bear His image, showing us perhaps that we all fade in the end, we all darken, we all become the BLACKSTAR. Does death render us invisible?

I found a quote recently that has stayed with me,

"There is no such thing as coincidence. It's just God's way of staying anonymous."

Signs become important.

Messages scrawled on lampposts have become more significant & I'm noticing them where I hadn't noticed them before. Places I've walked past daily suddenly reveal their secrets & I must record them all. The lamppost prayer book demands to be written. I wonder as I take the pictures & people walk by "Do they see these messages? Have they read them? Do they see the meaning here? Is it just me?" Seems I'm destined to figure it all out & share it with the world while folk pass blindly by.

While I'm finding the messages I see the sign on the wall. Who knew when The Star & Garter became just "Star"? I didn't notice & I must walk this way once or twice weekly. It leaves me shaking in the street. Moved in a mysterious way.

I'm sat eating a sandwich & subjected to the usual cat calls from straight looking cowards wandering past & as I look up to growl at my assailant I see His face printed on the tee shirt in the shop window opposite me, reassuring & divine. Always present, always there to remind me it's good to be weird; it's the only way to live a life.

Our brother has fallen. Our brave warrior has been lost. Michael has left the world & it is a much more cruel & strange place following his passing.
In the days since the horror of his disappearance & discovery I have seen him everywhere. It's impossible to turn on the radio or listen to music without feeling him nearby. So much of what we shared was music. I can't look at a shelf of discs without being reminded of Michael's enthusiasm, his love of sincerely expressed emotion, artistic integrity, originality, eccentricity & extremes. Qualities he embodied perfectly. I am reminded of the kid who lived next door to my girlfriend who would irritatingly interrupt things that teenagers do. I remember the young man who bravely in the face of all sorts of opposition forced out an identity & a personality for himself that would not be accepted by any of the communities he could have fitted neatly into if he wanted an easy life & I enjoy the pride that he came to take in that. I remember finding him sat on his windowsill one hot day blaring out "You've Got Foetus On Your Breath" while mothers brought their children home. When I asked Michael what he was doing he said "teaching these fuckers a lesson." I remember a friend who wouldn't allow me to give up on myself when I was broken, who nagged me to gigs in all sorts of places & introduced me to beautiful outsiders while we mocked the fools who tried to fit in. We shared rage when we came up against aggressive oppressors who discriminated against us. I remember the shock & the thrill I felt when I first heard him take someone on & the glee in his voice as he put that thug down. I remember carefully stepping over writhing goths at the end of a Cranes gig (we'd been warned about the LFO & got out of the way), giggling at their dripping mascara & poorly guts. I remember the time we gatecrashed a funeral & were plied with pints of Guiness by mourning Irishmen. I remember so many nights in Spiders howling with laughter. The night Cobain died was a glorious evening. We celebrated the death of grunge (we detested its unimaginative scruffiness) while all around people cried for Kurt. Boo fucking hoo. Shouts of "bum gravy". Midnight calls to pious pricks. " Shouldn't you be up praying?"
I had to walk through Soho on Sunday & he was there again, round the corners as we flitted from the Fox to bars that are now cafes & shops that are now bars.
Today I went to the place we grew up to hate & visited the house he lived in when we first met. I wanted to step up to the door & walk in, slide upstairs & loose myself in one of our treasured records or hear him enthuse about something new that I simply must listen to now. He knew I would love something if he did because our tastes were so much the same.
I have lost a singular ally, a brave & keen critic, a voice of truth & hope full of wit, principles & love. I shall miss him hugely until I see him again. Farewell beautiful friend.