I'm under a week from having an experience I've dreamed of for nearly 40 years & I am slipping backwards. So there's a need to remind myself just how far I've come...
39 years ago you saw a movie that so gripped you it took over your life. You dreamed of meeting the people in that movie. You dreamed of being in those places & experiencing that universe. In 5 days time that dream is coming true. You've done it. You're about to have an experience you could only dream about then. Enjoy it. Feel proud if yourself.
22 years ago you wanted faith. You wanted to experience the joy, flow & righteous ease that you saw people of faith experience. You tested it & it led you down a dark path. You realise now that faith is not an external thing proven by voices, signs & miracles. Faith is not found in books written by men. It's an internal switch to be thrown when you're ready to put your faith & trust in the universe. Now you see those signs constantly. Now you see those miracles every day. Now you know that Goduniversejesusjehova wants you to succeed, supports you & guides you along the path to achieving your divine purpose.
20 years ago you wanted to run projects that changed people's lives & help them to turn things around. You did it. You still see the evidence of that on a weekly basis. You can't walk down the street without bumping into someone who you helped make a positive change to their life.
You saved at least four lives directly. How many others did you save indirectly with a listening ear, with good advice or with a kind word? How many others made decisions that changed or saved their lives because of what you did?
11 years ago you wanted a beautiful child to make your life complete. You have that now. He makes you happy in so many new ways every day. We grow together & I am grateful for all the lessons he encourages me to learn.
6 years ago you wanted to make & sell clothes. You set up your stall & made money by making accessories for two weddings & made a ton of ties for another wedding that all your family were proud to wear. You sold a tie to an A list celebrity. One of your favourite shops thought they were so good they took them in & sold them. You've had to prioritise other things & let it fall by the wayside for now but you can begin again & next time be even more successful.
3 years ago you wanted to be physically fit & healthy. You are now. It's two years since you had to take antibiotics. You worked hard at it & you have never been this well.
Just over two years ago you had no money & no job. Within months you had three jobs. Now you have money. You will find another job. You will find another three jobs.
Last year you said you wanted to change your job. You found the TA course & the placement & made it work. You've worked really hard over the past year & you have got it done. You got brilliant feedback from your placement & all of your written work. You've found it difficult & stressful & a couple of times you nearly gave it all up but you persevered & completed everything successfully. You've tired yourself out doing it & now you need to rest but be proud!
Last year one of your most treasured friends died & you said you wouldn't run away from the grief. You said you would not hide it, push it down or drink or take anything to suppress the true feelings. You wanted to honour his life & his passing by not letting it wreck you. You did it. You made sure the whole sorry mess wasn't a waste by learning from it & feeling it, every last horrific bit. When you got stuck you asked for help & you found it & you moved through it. I am grateful for the life of my friend & all the gifts he gave me in life & in death.
13 years ago you wanted to stop taking drugs. It's been 13 years since you last snorted or smoked anything. You're free!
You have always wanted to manage social situations without drinking. Now you do it all the time. No need for booze to block out the fear, you just cruise through all that nonsense.
3 years ago you wanted people to see your art. You had an exhibition in the first Hull International Photography Festival. You exhibited pictures in Ferens gallery & sold them. You were asked to join a group of local photographers who's work you admired & exhibited alongside them. Your pictures are being used in films to promote City of Culture. People continue to enjoy & praise every image you let loose.
You make things happen.
You can't help it.
What are you going to make happen next?

posted from Bloggeroid

Would you carry a razor in case of depression?

God is dead & He knows I have cried.

It's kind of a joke this worship but it's also serious.

As far back as I can remember I have worshipped a lightning faced God. That benign image propped up by the coffee table in the council house. How many hours have I stared at Those impenetrable eye lids? How many mornings did I listen to side one of Diamond Dogs while looking out if the window waiting for the school bus to tear me away from worship. The bus always ended the ritual, pulled me away from my beautiful dystopia in Hunger City & dragged me unwillingly back to the mundane real world. How far have I been transported by listening to Neukoln or Subterraneans when lulled into that divine trance state that they never fail to create.

Throughout the past three years I have been going through a process of recovery. A significant part of my recovery has been a spiritual awakening.

I had always envied people with faith, they seemed to have a kind of contented glow. It was something I lacked & coveted. So I asked for faith. I affirmed my faith, I faked faith until eventually I found I had faith. I found it had been there all the time. I had found that I just wasn't brave enough to let it out. The fear kept the cage door securely bolted. The dull grey bars kept the colours in.

As my faith grows He moves on, leaving us a note to say goodbye, a last gasp, glorious sounds, His most beautiful death rattle. His final document of greatness is the first not to bear His image, showing us perhaps that we all fade in the end, we all darken, we all become the BLACKSTAR. Does death render us invisible?

I found a quote recently that has stayed with me,

"There is no such thing as coincidence. It's just God's way of staying anonymous."

Signs become important.

Messages scrawled on lampposts have become more significant & I'm noticing them where I hadn't noticed them before. Places I've walked past daily suddenly reveal their secrets & I must record them all. The lamppost prayer book demands to be written. I wonder as I take the pictures & people walk by "Do they see these messages? Have they read them? Do they see the meaning here? Is it just me?" Seems I'm destined to figure it all out & share it with the world while folk pass blindly by.

While I'm finding the messages I see the sign on the wall. Who knew when The Star & Garter became just "Star"? I didn't notice & I must walk this way once or twice weekly. It leaves me shaking in the street. Moved in a mysterious way.

I'm sat eating a sandwich & subjected to the usual cat calls from straight looking cowards wandering past & as I look up to growl at my assailant I see His face printed on the tee shirt in the shop window opposite me, reassuring & divine. Always present, always there to remind me it's good to be weird; it's the only way to live a life.