Waiting

Anxiety on overload this morning. Much worry about being able to go back to work & money.  Anxious about making calls, anxious about getting dressed, anxious about the pain, Cuntbunny has made a slight return but is being nicely suppressed by the Ammo & the Tranny Doll. Managed to get myself going with some encouragement from Sharon & a chat about what's making me worried. Need to remember that it's fine to tell other people, especially her these things. Being open is being so very helpful & making me feel some proximity to people again. The weird detachment the medication was causing seems to have worn off. Don't feel so floaty & was easier to get up & et Jack ready this morning. I'm going to put together a daily timetable to get myself used to getting up early & getting ready before Jack gets up to get myself used to being in that routine again. Need to experiment with the medication times to make sure the effects fit in with that. So I hope to have improved sufficiently for Monday to be work worthy, but I must remember to focus on the now & be in the present rather than getting distracted & worried about the future. Have been asking for help with things too, just asking, which seems to be helping a great deal. Not sure who I'm asking or how they're helping, but it helps.

I shall continue to wait for the phone. 

I shall give my nails another coat.

I shall do some sewing & make a start on the ironing.

I shall have some lunch.

I shall have a slow walk to the school to collect Jack.

I shall have a nice evening watching Children in Need. Looking forward to the Dr Who bit of course.

I shall plant some more pansies in the garden. Put some in yesterday which made me feel quite nice. Might have accidentally hacked into a few bulbs though.

There goes the alarm to remind me to take pills. Lunch time. Calm time. 

Changes

So... Now feeling somewhat better. Had a trip to see the lovely Dr Ram on Tuesday. She listened to what I had to say, which was nice of her. She reviewed the medication I'm on & suggested trying a small dose of amytriptalline as she felt that the pain could be due to some sort of nerve damage. In the spirit of being open to everything & trying anything to kill off Cuntbunny I have given it a go. The good news is it seems to be working. The weird news is, there are side effects. I feel a bit groggy in the morning (less so today, I took it earlier last night to make sure it had worn off by morning). I feel rather detached & rather floaty. Not altogether a bad thing... Hopefully will wear off soon. I have called work & expressed a hope to return on Monday. They have not seen the best of me. I was not able to offer it before. Hopefully now without being physically in pain & debilitated by not being able to breathe properly they will see some improvement. Hopefully I've put enough into place to improve things; more confidence, willingness to ask for help, more open to change & challenge, less willing to go down routes that will do me harm. More structured & honest in reflection. Better able to communicate my needs. Things will improve.
I need to decide who gets my vote for Police Crime Commissioner. The decision to be made a vote for Lord Prescott or a Liberal Democrat. Not much of a choice really.

Pain again

Continuing to gulp down the Tramadol but in lots of pain over the weekend. Monday was intolerable & depressing. I struggled to drag myself out of a fugue to manage to do the bare minimum after a brief burst in the morning when I destroyed the pile of ironing. 

The thought of another weeks absence fills me with dread & concern about money & about the security of my role. Meditating regularly but it is difficult to stay positive.

Had to cancel my place on the anxiety management group that was due to start this evening which I'm disappointed about too. Realistically I am not well enough to go & Sharon was very worried about me getting there & back. There will be another course that I can attend in the new year. The pain today is pretty much constant & I'm trying to resist the urge to sleep the day away. Which would be easy as these Tramadol things make me drowsy.

I have booked another GP appointment with the hopefully more sympathetic Dr Ram for this afternoon. She has been consistently helpful so I'm going to stick with her for now.

Did a bit of reading around yesterday on a forum about asthma that stated that pain from pleurisy can last for a long time after the infection has cleared. Not heard that from a professional though so I'm not sure what to think. Will do a bit more digging.
Had an interesting day on Sunday. Dropped Jack off at his friend's house to play & while trudging home I was abused by an ex prisoner for not immediately acknowledging his presence as he shouted at me from behind while I was on the phone. He threatened me with violence & without hesitation I responded in kind, assuring him that if he tried anything he would come off worse. I can't remember the exact dialogue, needless to say it was not pleasant & would have been upsetting for others to hear (there was no one else around.) He cycled off; no rumpus. The most important & noteworthy thing about the exchange is that I felt a great strength in my voice, I allowed myself to get angry & let the anger out. It felt good. A voice I've suppressed for a very long time broke through. Now I'm certain that my response can't be considered right, but it was good to let that side of me out of the box. I had been doing throat chakra meditations as I think that self expression is a good place to start. Seems to be working.

Yesterday we met heroes & villans.

After two days of horrible pain & tiredness I decided to give a trip to the GP another go. She was unwilling to listen & stuck to the standard mantra of "Don't take ibuprofen if you have asthma." Yawn. Not willing to listen, suggested the problem might be muscular, with which I disagree, can muscular pain continue for ten weeks? I doubt it. She dismissed me with the statement that they can do no more until they receive the letter from the specialist. It seems us none doctors are regarded as being incapable of communicating simple messages. Arse. Still she did prescribe me some Tramadol, which is taking the edge off but I feel utterly out of it. I can see why people take these for fun however, it's not my favoured altered state. I am not enjoying this at all. Can't get motivated, feel all woozy, detached, bizarre.  Not nice. Incredibly difficult to get motivated & I'm fighting against a huge block of disappointment, confusion about where to turn & what to do next. Plus the dismissal & the finding of nothing is making me feel like a fraud, even though I know I'm not. I'm winning the battle to stay positive, keep doing things & not retreat to the bed all tearful & helpless but only just. Walking past people who are smoking fags, drinking booze, out of their minds on something fills me with rage at the minute. I envy their sweet euphoria, that blessed ignorance, that chemical cushion that keeps everything at bay. I know it only ever did me harm, but right now a holiday in my head seems the ideal destination. Not getting on the bus though, the train or the plane. To get dressed. I have Stormtroopers to meet, which is when this started...

Pancake flat & deflating further.

Not doing too bad though. Decided to keep a list of things to do on top of the microwave & have done most of them. I've done all of the things I put on there at the start of the day anyway  apart from clearing the spare room out a bit more, which would have meant lifting things. Not a good idea today.

The day was going well until Cuntbunny gave me a right good hoofing while I was out & about shopping. So painful I had to keep still, hang on to a bollard & have a good swear out loud. I'm certain bypassers thought me quite mad & they would be correct. So I've been mopey since. Lapsing in & out of solipsism with bursts of motivation. Need to go to bed. Mindful thinking is helping me prevent myself from giving up on the day. Useful.

Post Frustration

Starting with the good...

• I saw the specialist. He concluded that there are no major problems with the workings of my crackly lungy air sacks. Honest. That is reassuring  but opinions about his conclusions & opinions differ. He suggested that my problems might be due to a "post nasal drip"; goo from my eternally allergic dripping conk slipping down my throat & pooling in my lungs which can cause problems. In the spirit of trying anything to make improvements I'm giving the nose spray he suggested a go. If all it does is stop me sneezing & snuffling all the time it will be worthwhile.
• Obtained a new coat of beautiful beauty for a whole £9. A steal. I am a criminal. 
• I can move about more. I left the house around 12 today. Took the bus to the top of Spring Bank West, walked from there all the way to my appointment at Clifton Medical centre on Beverley Road (via some wonderful places). Then after the appointment from the surgery to the bus stop at the junction with Clough Road. When I was walking from the bus stop on Anlaby Road to home I almost got up to normal walking speed for a few minutes with only a little bit of kicking from Cuntbunny. I was so pleased with myself I nearly wept in the street. It felt so good just to be able to move nearly normally & get out & about. I'm paying for it now though. CB is having a right good wriggle up against my ribs despite a good coshing with the Cocoa Damn It All Hammer. Twat.
• Session on Beverley Road with the nice anxiety man went well. We talked about the physiological process of anxiety & while I know about that already he presented it in a really useful way (that I'm stealing for the future to share with people) & we talked about how best to attempt to control the process. It would seem I've fallen into a few traps which are responsible for my current predicament. Suggested solutions were instead of focussing on anxiety & allowing inner voice to get away with what amounts to sabotage & murder, speak to yourself as you would a child waking from a nightmare, all kind, reassuring & encouraging. Softly, quietly  & calmly. Worth a try. We also talked about the benefits of having a useful mantra (which I've started with) & mindfulness meditation. Again this is something that keeps popping up so seems like a good thing to follow so this evenings meditations will be of the mindfulness variety.
• Following a recommendation from a nice man who showed me a picture of a tweed waistcoat I stumbled into a pop up shop (!) called Tide on Princes Ave. It was lovely, The waistcoat was definitely worth visiting for. The couple who run the shop were really friendly & it was a pleasure to meet them. I tried on the waistcoat & it was indeed beautiful. If I was sufficiently skilled to make waistcoats I would probably make similar, but with silky instead of waxy backs. They took some pictures of me trying their stuff on & asked if I would like to model for them when they do some publicity pictures! Hilarious. I said yes of course. But, important thing is, this has come from being open, asking for opportunities, asking for things & welcoming them in, not piling up the barriers & hiding behind a load of psykoalogickal crap I've piled up in front of myself. I gave them my e mail address. If nothing comes of it I don't mind. It was lovely to be asked & just being asked proves something important; this process of change I'm going through is having positive results already. 
• I have taken some rather lovely pictures.
• Sharon is being extraordinarily wonderful & I really could not be sharing my life with a more beautiful, caring & selfless person. 

And the less good stuff.

• I have no answers as to what is causing my pain or explanations as to why I am getting increasingly debilitating chest infections that take longer to recover from each time. The specialist said that some people are just unfortunate & more susceptible. I'm not entirely satisfied with this answer. The specialist dismissed the issue of exposure to pigeon filth & rotten corpses. He said it would have caused problems at the time, but would not have any long lasting effects. This contradicts what others have said. He stated that he could not possibly comment on what my problem is as his specialism is lungs & he feels that my lungs are fine... So I have to think about what to do next. Do I pursue referral to a different specialist via my GP? Just getting to see this one was a battle that drained me & dragged on for an age... but I'm a little better prepared for that kind of thing now. Sharon suggested advice from the union. A colleague of Sharon's suggested submitting a complaint & requesting a second opinion; she thinks the specialist is fobbing me off. She works in medical complaints so has some experience of how gloriously they can fuck things up.
• I have been signed off work for two weeks.
• It still hurts, but less so.
• Very anxious before calling in to work this morning. Postponed & procrastinated all I could until I just bit the bullet & went for it. Terrible thing. Next time I shall try my best coming round from a nightmare voice & calmly reassure myself into taking action rather than putting myself through a lot of grief & nonsense. I am worried about my future in this role. I think I might have thought myself into a dead end though. My attitude to work is inflexible, contradicting my attitude to other aspects of life... if things as seemingly fixed as gender & faith can fluctuate why can't my career? I'm sure I can do other things if I need to. Every one else can. I need to let myself off the hook a bit with this. It's just a job. It's an important job, it's a job I want to excel at & it's a job I like but it's not the world. The world will not end if I don't do it. 

So to sew & sew & to have a think about what to do next.

Appointmenting

Appointment with specialist this afternoon. I have peed in a jar & written him a little history of how we got here. Hoping for some answers...

History of problems

• I am allergic to penicillin.
• Diagnosed with asthma in childhood at approximately 8 years old.
• Susceptible to chest infections throughout childhood, usually once or twice a year. These became more frequent & debilitating in adulthood.
• Repeated chest infections in 2008 & increase in pain experienced led to diagnosis of pleurisy September 2008 by GP.
• Dec 2008-March 2009 ear infection led to labyrinthitis causing dizziness & nausea for a prolonged period.
• June 2009 realised severity of exposure to contaminants from pigeon faeces & dead matter in work environment; maggots fell through ceiling of office, found to be many pigeons nesting on top of rotting pigeon carcasses in roof space above office.
• Working in prison was generally filthy environment with pigeons, excrement & feathers in most areas. Constant irritation to eyes & runny nose.
• September 2009 to June 2011 experienced repeated chest infections causing absence from work for increasingly prolonged periods.
• June 2011 chest & throat infection; very painful very intense symptoms.
• July 2011 left prison to work in community.
• September 2011 chest infection very painful. Repeated visits to GP. GP's stated that they could not hear any noises in lungs that would suggest infection despite persistence of cough, pain & breathlessness.
• November 2011 admission to A&E diagnosed pneumonia.
• Pain, feeling breathless, dizziness, feeling excessively tired, difficulty exerting self pretty much constant since.
• Regular trips to GP since then have resulted in regular prescriptions of antibiotics .
• Last spirometry test shows age of lungs is 72 years old.
• June & September 2012 without antibiotics however still experiencing some symptoms but not severe. Requested referral to chest specialist as I felt that antibiotics were not resolving my problem.
• July 2012 HIV test taken at request of GP prior to referral to chest specialist. Result negative.
• September 2012, symptoms more severe. Return to GP & antibiotics prescribed.
• October 2012 attended HRI for chest x ray.
• October 2012, symptoms & pain increase. Attend A&E at HRI. Diagnosed pleurisy. Prescribed more antibiotics. Seen by Dr Naeck who recommended discuss fully exposure to pollutants in prison environment with specialist & advised might be necessary to undergo broncoscopy to assess cause of problem.
• Symptoms have continued since. While less severe still experiencing chest pain, breathlessness & dizziness when active. Absent form work currently.
• Physical health is limiting my ability to function; I have been absent form work & when at work unable to function to the best of my abilities due to feeling unwell. I have been experiencing anxiety & depression also, (I am currently attending sessions with counsellor & CBT to address this.) My poor physical health has been a significant contributory factor to the severity of the symptoms of my anxiety & depression.

Ugh

Feeling like utter dog shit this morning. CB is quietly reminding me of his presence but not kicking. Head is a mess; does not want to do anything. Going to give myself a kickstart & get going. Must remember I am I can. All blocked up last night. Couldn't relax, couldn't get into any meditation,;too twitchy, too restless. Started sewing a beautiful suit from the wardrobe of untouched things that I forgot I had. Sewing helped but I think my lack of meditation might account for the dreadful way I feel today. 

Right, action time.

Will put God on the DVD & see where we go from there.

I can I am

What's been beneficial?

Meditaition has been making a great difference. I feel more calm. I feel like I have some hope. I feel like I'm starting to make a difference & I find a great deal of pleasure in the relaxed states. The further in I go the better. The synaesthetic experiences are wonderful.

Music has been incredibly useful. Putting things on to enjoy. Filling the dead space & cutting off the anxiety with music has been really good. Using technology to help has been central to all of this. There's as much good stuff as there is bullshit on youtube & the like. I've set my filter high. 

Being open to all sorts without question is helping. I'm ignoring ideology,  looking past dogma & philosophy. At the moment if it makes me feel better then it's getting used. Getting better is the most important thing at the moment. If I come through all this & find that I have had some major belief shift then that's obviously what needed to happen. I even did a chakra test last night. My chakras are of course entirely fucked & it told me what I already kind of knew however I'm not discounting that doing some chakra meditation might be helpful & have tried some with good effect. 
Sewing is good. I have been losing myself in cloth, in the weave, the stitch absorbs me, takes all of the bad away. Sewing every day is essential. 

Our dead brothers are shouting at me "The only thing to fear is fear itself". Coil always helps. Must do more Coil.

Beautiful.

Cuntbunny seems to be sleeping encouraged by paracetamol & ibuprofen  Hopefully the little shit will stay that way & I won't have to hit him with the big Cocoa damn all hammer. Horrid stuff.

I can I am. Nice little spell to get things done.

Anxiety

So some things that make me anxious...

• Telephone calls, the 'phone ringing, making 'phone calls all make me twitchy by degrees. Calls to work most of all, as I worry about the effect of informing them I need more time off, that I'm still not right, despite each call I've made being received seemingly with understanding & a firm, "we don't want you to come back until you're well & not in pain". Calls to & from family breed anxiety from a bizarre reluctance to explain myself, a reluctance to let on how bad things are, a lot of worry about making them worry; I'm usually the person who soothes their worries. Not so at the moment & that's disappointing & worrying. 
• Asking for help is difficult because I've not done it before, because it's new having the traffic go in the other direction, because I know the dance. I've been pushing through, scraping by, doing well depending on various factors & where you stand in this for so long that it feels very odd to be letting other people in. It's the only way this is going to get any better. I understand that now. I have to be transparent, I have to be open with other people. I have to be ok with the idea that it's ok not to be ok.
• Fear of failure; the stakes are very high. I've got an awful lot to loose so it's absolutely essential that I start to get things right. So much could go wrong & that makes me really really scared.
• Fear of letting people down. People are being very supportive & kind but I can't help feeling I've let people down. No one has said so, but I want to be reliable, a provider, active, fun, friendly... I can't do that at the moment. I acknowledge by making these first steps towards getting myself right I'm starting to put myself in a position where I'm less likely to let people down, but that's scary too. I don't feel dependable, I feel flaky, wobbly, soft. 
• Fear of change. Things have to change. I don't know how yet but they have to, which might involve an element of assertiveness which is scary in itself. Leaps into the unknown are scary. I don't know what I'm going to be when I've come out of the other side of this process of change. I need to change how I think about this. I need to get used to the fact that the change needs to be constant. Paying lip service to the process of self development & reflection has got me so far, but now I've come to a halt. Imagine how far I could get if I did this properly. 
• Fear of other peoples reactions. Be it upset or anger or joy or gratitude, I'm never comfortable with people's reactions to my actions. 
• Fear of social situations. I have avoided contact with friends, with family & colleagues. For as long as I can remember I have felt like an outsider even in groups of people who are close to me, who I love & value. My imposed isolation has increased over time. I need to change this.
• Shopping. I don't know why but this always seems to be a flash point. Whether it's worrying about spending too much money, being around so many people, the vast impersonal horror of these consumerist hells or just my madness. I can't remember a shopping trip when I've not got anxious somehow.

I have been doing some guided meditations which have had some very noticeable benefits so far.

• Pain has been more manageable.
• I have felt more at ease.
• I have been experiencing some intense emotions. Was listening to Garlands this morning while walking to the bus stop & it affected me more than it has for years. I felt my legs give way. I had all sorts of synaesthesia going on. Not experienced anything like that for years. It was lovely.

Co-codamol withdrawal happened on Wednesday night. I fell asleep after coming back from town. When I woke I was shivering & sneezy. I assumed I was developing a cold to go with everything else. Cuntbunny was kicking away at my chest so I took some co-codamol & the cold disappeared. Not good so I have tried to manage on paracetamol & ibruprofen. So far it's not been good. The bunny still sticks the boot in. He's wearing DM's instead of steel toe caps but he's still having a good go at me. Fucker.