Post Frustration

Starting with the good...

• I saw the specialist. He concluded that there are no major problems with the workings of my crackly lungy air sacks. Honest. That is reassuring  but opinions about his conclusions & opinions differ. He suggested that my problems might be due to a "post nasal drip"; goo from my eternally allergic dripping conk slipping down my throat & pooling in my lungs which can cause problems. In the spirit of trying anything to make improvements I'm giving the nose spray he suggested a go. If all it does is stop me sneezing & snuffling all the time it will be worthwhile.
• Obtained a new coat of beautiful beauty for a whole £9. A steal. I am a criminal. 
• I can move about more. I left the house around 12 today. Took the bus to the top of Spring Bank West, walked from there all the way to my appointment at Clifton Medical centre on Beverley Road (via some wonderful places). Then after the appointment from the surgery to the bus stop at the junction with Clough Road. When I was walking from the bus stop on Anlaby Road to home I almost got up to normal walking speed for a few minutes with only a little bit of kicking from Cuntbunny. I was so pleased with myself I nearly wept in the street. It felt so good just to be able to move nearly normally & get out & about. I'm paying for it now though. CB is having a right good wriggle up against my ribs despite a good coshing with the Cocoa Damn It All Hammer. Twat.
• Session on Beverley Road with the nice anxiety man went well. We talked about the physiological process of anxiety & while I know about that already he presented it in a really useful way (that I'm stealing for the future to share with people) & we talked about how best to attempt to control the process. It would seem I've fallen into a few traps which are responsible for my current predicament. Suggested solutions were instead of focussing on anxiety & allowing inner voice to get away with what amounts to sabotage & murder, speak to yourself as you would a child waking from a nightmare, all kind, reassuring & encouraging. Softly, quietly  & calmly. Worth a try. We also talked about the benefits of having a useful mantra (which I've started with) & mindfulness meditation. Again this is something that keeps popping up so seems like a good thing to follow so this evenings meditations will be of the mindfulness variety.
• Following a recommendation from a nice man who showed me a picture of a tweed waistcoat I stumbled into a pop up shop (!) called Tide on Princes Ave. It was lovely, The waistcoat was definitely worth visiting for. The couple who run the shop were really friendly & it was a pleasure to meet them. I tried on the waistcoat & it was indeed beautiful. If I was sufficiently skilled to make waistcoats I would probably make similar, but with silky instead of waxy backs. They took some pictures of me trying their stuff on & asked if I would like to model for them when they do some publicity pictures! Hilarious. I said yes of course. But, important thing is, this has come from being open, asking for opportunities, asking for things & welcoming them in, not piling up the barriers & hiding behind a load of psykoalogickal crap I've piled up in front of myself. I gave them my e mail address. If nothing comes of it I don't mind. It was lovely to be asked & just being asked proves something important; this process of change I'm going through is having positive results already. 
• I have taken some rather lovely pictures.
• Sharon is being extraordinarily wonderful & I really could not be sharing my life with a more beautiful, caring & selfless person. 

And the less good stuff.

• I have no answers as to what is causing my pain or explanations as to why I am getting increasingly debilitating chest infections that take longer to recover from each time. The specialist said that some people are just unfortunate & more susceptible. I'm not entirely satisfied with this answer. The specialist dismissed the issue of exposure to pigeon filth & rotten corpses. He said it would have caused problems at the time, but would not have any long lasting effects. This contradicts what others have said. He stated that he could not possibly comment on what my problem is as his specialism is lungs & he feels that my lungs are fine... So I have to think about what to do next. Do I pursue referral to a different specialist via my GP? Just getting to see this one was a battle that drained me & dragged on for an age... but I'm a little better prepared for that kind of thing now. Sharon suggested advice from the union. A colleague of Sharon's suggested submitting a complaint & requesting a second opinion; she thinks the specialist is fobbing me off. She works in medical complaints so has some experience of how gloriously they can fuck things up.
• I have been signed off work for two weeks.
• It still hurts, but less so.
• Very anxious before calling in to work this morning. Postponed & procrastinated all I could until I just bit the bullet & went for it. Terrible thing. Next time I shall try my best coming round from a nightmare voice & calmly reassure myself into taking action rather than putting myself through a lot of grief & nonsense. I am worried about my future in this role. I think I might have thought myself into a dead end though. My attitude to work is inflexible, contradicting my attitude to other aspects of life... if things as seemingly fixed as gender & faith can fluctuate why can't my career? I'm sure I can do other things if I need to. Every one else can. I need to let myself off the hook a bit with this. It's just a job. It's an important job, it's a job I want to excel at & it's a job I like but it's not the world. The world will not end if I don't do it. 

So to sew & sew & to have a think about what to do next.