Anxiety

So some things that make me anxious...

• Telephone calls, the 'phone ringing, making 'phone calls all make me twitchy by degrees. Calls to work most of all, as I worry about the effect of informing them I need more time off, that I'm still not right, despite each call I've made being received seemingly with understanding & a firm, "we don't want you to come back until you're well & not in pain". Calls to & from family breed anxiety from a bizarre reluctance to explain myself, a reluctance to let on how bad things are, a lot of worry about making them worry; I'm usually the person who soothes their worries. Not so at the moment & that's disappointing & worrying. 
• Asking for help is difficult because I've not done it before, because it's new having the traffic go in the other direction, because I know the dance. I've been pushing through, scraping by, doing well depending on various factors & where you stand in this for so long that it feels very odd to be letting other people in. It's the only way this is going to get any better. I understand that now. I have to be transparent, I have to be open with other people. I have to be ok with the idea that it's ok not to be ok.
• Fear of failure; the stakes are very high. I've got an awful lot to loose so it's absolutely essential that I start to get things right. So much could go wrong & that makes me really really scared.
• Fear of letting people down. People are being very supportive & kind but I can't help feeling I've let people down. No one has said so, but I want to be reliable, a provider, active, fun, friendly... I can't do that at the moment. I acknowledge by making these first steps towards getting myself right I'm starting to put myself in a position where I'm less likely to let people down, but that's scary too. I don't feel dependable, I feel flaky, wobbly, soft. 
• Fear of change. Things have to change. I don't know how yet but they have to, which might involve an element of assertiveness which is scary in itself. Leaps into the unknown are scary. I don't know what I'm going to be when I've come out of the other side of this process of change. I need to change how I think about this. I need to get used to the fact that the change needs to be constant. Paying lip service to the process of self development & reflection has got me so far, but now I've come to a halt. Imagine how far I could get if I did this properly. 
• Fear of other peoples reactions. Be it upset or anger or joy or gratitude, I'm never comfortable with people's reactions to my actions. 
• Fear of social situations. I have avoided contact with friends, with family & colleagues. For as long as I can remember I have felt like an outsider even in groups of people who are close to me, who I love & value. My imposed isolation has increased over time. I need to change this.
• Shopping. I don't know why but this always seems to be a flash point. Whether it's worrying about spending too much money, being around so many people, the vast impersonal horror of these consumerist hells or just my madness. I can't remember a shopping trip when I've not got anxious somehow.

I have been doing some guided meditations which have had some very noticeable benefits so far.

• Pain has been more manageable.
• I have felt more at ease.
• I have been experiencing some intense emotions. Was listening to Garlands this morning while walking to the bus stop & it affected me more than it has for years. I felt my legs give way. I had all sorts of synaesthesia going on. Not experienced anything like that for years. It was lovely.

Co-codamol withdrawal happened on Wednesday night. I fell asleep after coming back from town. When I woke I was shivering & sneezy. I assumed I was developing a cold to go with everything else. Cuntbunny was kicking away at my chest so I took some co-codamol & the cold disappeared. Not good so I have tried to manage on paracetamol & ibruprofen. So far it's not been good. The bunny still sticks the boot in. He's wearing DM's instead of steel toe caps but he's still having a good go at me. Fucker.