Anxiety

Woke up around 5 in pain. Anxiety around work. Must call today. Meditated around it. Need to look into local meditation groups. See if that helps.

Therapalised

Some good things.

Out two days on the trot, all dressed up proper like. While it's made me feel better mentally I'm not sure it's done me good physically. Both excursions resulted in much pain & shortness of breath.

Had blood tests today. Full blood count, sugar & something called bi chemical profile which can apparently yield all sorts of interesting information.

Recieved a call from the hospital asking me to attend an earlier appointment on Monday 5th. They had been asked by my GP to squeeze me in early if a slot became available which is another good thing as it would seem to indicate that they are taking my complaint seriously.

Had a bit of a mooch around my old bit of Beverley Rd which brought back some pleasant & some not so pleasant memories.

Encouraging words from a potential PM.

Attended appointment with PWBS. They have  requested I observe & record the triggers for anxiety over the coming week.

So I shall.

Cuntbunny gave me a good old wallop after my appointment. It's not just the physical aspect of the pain but the stuff that goes with it. Each kick from the twatrabbit triggers a stream of thoughts that tell me I'm stuck with this, that I'm not getting better quickly enough which leads to frustration, worry about not being able to go back to work soon which leads to worry about job security & worry about money which leads to worry about letting people down. All in the space of five minutes while waiting for the bus in the rain on  Beverley Road which more than ever looks like an insane post apocalyptic place. The pubs & shops all empty, churches derelict. KFC seem to be doing well down there though. So not only pain but place & setting had a little hand in that anxious flutter.

Was too tired to be bothered enough to get anxious about anything by the time I got home. I opted for an experimental walk round St Stephens which I should not have done. Body was telling me to go home to rest. Should have listened.

Had a lovely visit from Al & Gareth who delivered Halloween cup cakes they had collaborated on which was lovely.

Tomorrow's aims...

Check bank balances.
Call work.
Carve pumpykins.
Frankenweenie.
A little stitching.
Some meditation.
Look marvelous.

Heckonastick.

All was going well. We wandered round Hessle Road for a bit in the damp & did some shoping. Now worn out & fancy a snooze. Of course me
napping has caused Cuntbunny to wake up & give me a good kicking preventing cosy snoozy nappage. How I wish I could strangle the little bastard.

Progression

So... late start for Cuntbunny. He has only just woken & seems not to be kicking so hard. Might be due to the time adjustment (I do like being back on GMT), might be due to the meditation that I've been doing & feeling more positive, might be because I haven't done much today (started climbing the mountain of crumpled clothes that need ironing, washed, dressed, breakfast not much else), might just be feeling a little better.

No painkillers taken yet but I feel that might have to change soon. We shall see how the day goes. I am trying to commit to living in the moment, just for today & other assorted clichés  Actually I've ceased caring about clichés, if it works I'm doing it. Aesthetic considerations have been abandoned in desperation.

This picture filled me with hope for once, not upset.

Sat in day

Cuntbunny did yesterday in & resulted in me ceasing all activity other than eating nachos with cheese dip & watching Dr Who. However my incapacity led to me looking into guided meditations on You Tube. While bits of them were a little trite I managed to achieve meditative states that I'd not experienced for years, dissociation from body, hallucinations, the whole lot. Really successful. I had another go this morning when CB woke me nice & early. Didn't go as deep but there was a Figgis kneeing me in the side.

The result has been feeling much improved today. While the pain remains intense I feel better equipped to deal with it. I think I'm stuck with the pain for the time being. My breathing is much improved but the pain is still here so I think it's probably best to try to cope with it for now rather than fight it off. So I'm going to keep as active as I can for short bursts with rests & keep on with the meditating as that's helped most. Pleased to be feeling a little better. So far today I have...

• Showered, shaved & got dressed.
• Disinfected the cat loo.
• Done the laundry.
• Washed up & cleaned the kitchen.
• Taught Jack how to play Go Fish.

Things to do are:

• Wait for Ma & Pa to pop round.
• E mails
• Read mail
• Sewing
• Big pile of ironing
• Watch "The Godfather" later.
• Sewing.

Cuntbunny

I have a name for my pain "Cuntbunny". So named because it feels like I have a rabbit kicking the crap out of the inside of my chest.

Cuntbunny awoke early this morning & it fucking hurts. Bad bunny. No carrots for you. On the plus side, I got up, did the washing up, sorted out the rubbish & made breakfast for folks so I'm on with achieving being up & ready for 9. The power of setting & writing down small achievable goals. It can work. I seem to had forgotten that.

Must eat breakfast so I can take some delicious pills.

Plasmataz.

Watching a programme about making stars. Terrifying.

So... feeling pretty pleased with my progress. Avoided major anxiety for a good few days. Attended session with therapist today & talked about how I've neglected to do for myself that which I advise & support others in doing. I used to be developing, conscious, experimenting with myself, with fresh techniques all the time. At some point that ceased & just thinking about it now I've identified the exact time it did & I want to cry. Epiphany at the keyboard. Babies aren't the only things that die in miscarriages.
I talked about how I always recommend to people they have a programme. I don't have one. I used to. I need to get that back to get me well. So I must start... more meditation later. My being forced to kip in the Figgis' bed last night has made him determined to sleep in there this evening so should be able to get some good stuff done & in the dark too. The luxury of darkness. I really miss it.

We also talked about work, about burnout, about what I want to do. I think I want to stick at it. I don't think I'm burnt out through work. I've been through that twice now. I think I'm burnt out through me. I'm all not right, not just the work bits. We talked about my largely hidden ambition to do something with sewing & clothes. I should really put some action in to move that along a bit. All in good time.

Physically I feel much the same. The pain in my side continues to be agonising but less so  than before. I'm not sure if it has decreased or if I've just got used to it. It still takes me by surprise from time to time though. My short walk around the centre of Hessle & my short walk form Gypsyville to home tired me out & I ended up napping in bed by 4pm, asleep in an arm chair by 5.30pm, in bed again at 7pm & now only up & forced awake by caffeine & a determination to get everything on my list done.

So tomorrow's list...

• Up & dressed before 9.
• Open & deal with mail.
• Confirm attendance at anxiety management group.
• Confirm venue & time of appointment on 30th.
• Answer e mails.
• Have a crack at a little trip to Princes Ave. A new pop up vintage shop has occurred that someone has recommended to me so I should really have a peep.
• Bank stuff.
• That is all. Some sewing too.

Ooochy ouchy

Pain very bad again today. Had not much sleep but what I did have was quality. Discovered some meditation podcasts that helped. Will try more & will try them when I'm not sleepy... So good things...

• Got out of the house yesterday.
• Completed the taking in of the waist of the trousers I'm working on. Waists & bums always feel like a big challenge. Might need a bit of minor fiddling but I'll sort that once I've dealt with the legs.
• My wardrobe is full to bursting.
• Doing the guided meditation really helped. 
• Made dinner last night.
• Painted nails.
• Posted some well recieved pictures.
• Read with Mr Figgis.

Today's aims...

• Get ready.
• Go to appointment in Hessle.
• Take some painkillers.
• Make nice brunch.
• More sewing.
• More meditation.
• Sleep well.
• Update later.

Xing off the days.

Positive things...

Submitted complaint letter to GP.
Now have appointment with specialist 12th November.
Pain is managable today.
Forcing myself to have a clean up has made me feel a bit more positive.
Listening to Cocteau Twins at full volume is good for you.
I'm going to get ready to go for a walk.
Reading Gaol is being exceptionally nice to me.
Today (well for the past half hour) I feel quite determined to be better.
Inspiring old lady on the Tv box yesterday talking about unburdening yourself through writing to God. Obviously works better if you have actual faith but as this keeps getting waved in my face writing is being shown to me as being key to getting better so I must make sure I write all this down at least once a day.

Despite getting a few things done yesterday I feel like it was a complete write off. I was in so much pain at times I was going dizzy. I'm determined not to feel the same about today. Today had the potential to be even worse as it started incredibly badly. I have picked it up though, will keep it on track.

And some pictures... Me going to the doctors on Monday looking incredibly afraid. Despite that I got there & I did what needed to be done. I got what I needed. I need to write about that coat. It is utterly precious to me & deserves celebrating. A treasured thing.
Picture of this morning's muzic. Ms Fraser has created sunshine & warmth where there had been a sharp eviscerating blizzard.

Time for make up, co-codamol as the pain is making a come back, putting on the precious coat; it's like armour.

Sunday is like every day

Very unhappy today. Pain seems to be worse. Nearing the end of my course of antibiotics & there seems to be little improvement. Still getting pain in left side of chest, still getting short of breath, still knackered following very little activity. Utterly frustrated by my inability to get well.

That's the whining out of the way. Now to focus on some positives.

1. Made great progress sorting out the spare room & streamlining the Beano collection.
2. Found some lovely things while sorting out the spare room.
3. Finished one pair of trousers & started work on a suit.
4. Attended appointment in Hessle with the counsellor which went well.
5. Kept on top of laundry.
6. Got ready, shaved, applied mascara , dressed properly & everything yesterday & went to the garden centre for Halloween fun.
7. Implementing some of the stuff that the counsellor suggested.
8. Focussing on what's right for me & what's going to help me get better.
9. Using music & comedy as an “off switch” for negative thinking.
10. Submitting a complaint about the GP service & the poor way they have dealt with my referral to the chest specialist.
11. Thinking about how to plan next week to use time optimally to get better.
12. Sticking religiously to medication despite it making me feel sick.
13. Have been taking some nice photo's which seem to have been received well.

Before tomorrow I hope to:

1. Check bank balances.
2. Print letter of complaint for GP.
3. Complete another seam on the trousers.
4. Do some ironing.
5. Not let the anxiety overwhelm me. It's going fucking bonkers right now.
6. Accept that this is just for now & that improvements have already been made & will continue to be made. Go me!
7. That's quite enough for now.

Hawthorne Avenue kitchen.



Current stitching project.



Hawthorne Ave alley way.



Carlton Theatre.



Vampire Jack.



Hessle Church



Old goff pic.



Attacked by a vamp.



Hessle gargoyle.



Hessle gargoyle that looks like Alan Rickman.

More Hawthorne Avenue

More pretty pictures, edited & taken by me of the desecration regeneration of Hawthorne Avenue.





The tentacles of the gigantic alien robot squid whose destruction rendered the area uninhabitable can be seen hanging down the side of the building above.






Better shot of the tentacles of the dead robot alien squid that attacked Hawthorne Avenue whose destruction rendered the area uninhabitable. 

Hawthorne

Woke well this morning, mood manageable but chest painful. Managed to chug down tablets without the usual nausea. Spacing them out between triangles of toast covered in Mum's bramble & apple home made jam seems to help. 

Achieved sufficient application of clothing early on anticipating trip to doctors & was lucky to get an early appointment. Took an age to wheezily walk to the surgery & had to have a rest part way to catch my breath but I was very pleased to have got dressed, got out & got there. 

The nice doctor prescribed more antibiotics, insisted that I take the cocodamol regularly despite its unpleasant side effects & gave me a sick note for a week. We discovered however that despite promising at earlier appointments that they would submit a referral to a chest specialist to get to the bottom of the problem, the referral has not happened. I was distraught, disappointed & livid. The nice doctor assured me that she would submit a referral today. Nevertheless I shall be checking up on them tomorrow when I call to make the appointment for blood tests. If they still haven't done it I'm smearing dog shit on their windows, maybe... there's an awful lot of it about. Perhaps I was just more aware of it having not been out for a while. I have lost my turd tolerance.

To cheer myself up & because I wanted to minimise the amount of time I was going to spend moping alone I went for a wander down Hawthorne Avenue to see how the desecration  regeneration is progressing. I spent half an hour traipsing about carefully among the rubble & the despair. I get a great feeling of calm in abandoned places. I like looking around for clues that there once might have been inhabitants. I hate the way they are sweeping away a whole community & sicking up new buildings that completely change the character of the area. I took some pictures. I wasted more time editing them this evening but I think I improved the look of the place with my modifications. They should put me in charge of the regeneration. It would look a lot more exciting.

When the pain got too much I had a waddle home & wasted most of the afternoon grumping uselessly on the settee, drained of energy & motivation. 

No escape.

Free da weed indeed.

Jack & Shanice

These beautiful tiles will be destroyed. I'm tempted to go back with a chisel to see if I can get them off whole.

Roses among the rubble.

When the people are all gone the brambles will take over.

Posted the above to IG & all have been well received which is pleasing. I've got a few more that need some tinkering about with so will post those tomorrow.

Managed between sulks to sort out the laundry. make cauliflower cheese & call work. So didn't do too bad really. Achieved quite a bit. Painted nails. Always do the essentials.

Due to snoozing through the afternoon I'm wide awake now. I don't want to be. Hopefully the cocococodamnols will knock me out. Chest is starting to nag again so definitely time for more.

Tomorrow's aims are...

•  up & dressed. 
• Might even shave as I have developed a beard. 
• Go for another walk about the ruins.
•  Edit the rest of the pictures & load them up.
•  Iron today's washing.
•  Do some sewing. 

Should be fairly achievable.

To do impossible things.

So... to set some goals.

1. Music. Music all day. Start with The Cure loud, taking advantage of being alone in the house.
2. Laundry.
3. Get dressed.
4. Eat.
5. Make a start on book case number two.

And Bob is singing to me...

Praise the Lord.

Watch "David Bowie - Sunday" on YouTube

Sunday morning

These pills are making me feel very sick. Horrid. But they seem to be doing what they should. A bit less painful today. I fell very woozy & unsteady though.

Focussing on the positive... It took me about half an hour to kill the negative (which was much less negative than it has been of late) & sufficiently motivate myself to rise, move downstairs & swallow the tabbytabs. Well done me.

Time to wake the cherished ones & see what I can do today.

A better day

So I feel improved. Chest continues to feel like I've been trampled by horses when I inhale but I don't seem to be too bothered. Co-codamol's nice like that. To summarise...

The day started with complete & utter overwhelming desperation & tearful outbursts around 5am, followed by catatonic crisis & stream of conciousness chaos thoughts distracted by news of fresh allegations against the shell suit pederast. I was dragged out of it by the awakening of my cherished two, being bullied to take tablets & me begging to be allowed to tidy up just so I could feel at least a little bit useful.

I did a bit of reading around, looking for answers, motivation, the sort of guff that I have no trouble telling other people.

Start small they all said. So I managed to shower, brush teeth & get dressed by degrees. The old pressures around getting dressed have returned. Each decision about clothing combinations a tip toe into the minefield. The wardrobe a warzone. A step in the wrong direction could trigger an anxiety explosion powerful enough to shred limbs. This has been creeping up on me for a while. I should have been concious of it when I started consulting Sharon about my choice of tie every morning. This is good, this reflecting; picking up on the signs I've missed.

Go outside they said. Be among nature. Nature is lacking round here so I hung the towels on the washing line & had a look at the fuschias. I resolved to go for a walk later.

Family returned & we talked about the house & what we need to do & I could feel the pressure building in my chest & I didn't want it. I absolutely did not want it to come back & piss all over the good things I'd managed to do so far.

Take control they said. Small steps they said. Anticipate little victories they said. I declared war on a book case. Everything I'm unlikely to read again was to go to the charity shop. Sharon acted as censor preventing any potential donations that would lead to charity shop volunteers making a not altogeter incorrect assumption about our deviance from going into the charity shop bags. Books saved were all the Sallingers, Dorothy Parker, anything with Bowie on the cover, anything with Genesis P Orridge in, all the  Ballards, anything with Robert Smith on the cover, my big Wilde bible, Complete Sherlock box, Billy Burroughs, all my Re-Search books, Mr Crisp & my beloved tatty copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Control taken.

We had right good giggle at the school photo's I found stashed among the paperbacks & cooed at Figgis baby snaps.

I found two Cd's with about 8000 photo's on that I thought I'd lost so they were put onto the new laptop.

We managed a walk to the fair. I was on a roll by this point. Even though I felt awful nothing was going to stop me. Chest pain nobbled me though so I came back on my own early, via the chippy.

Eat healthy they said. At home I indulged in the hugest portion of chips, two cheese & onion patties & mushy peas. I can't be expected to get everything right.

I am now enjoying the giddy high that only excess fat & carbohydrate can achieve. The Fall are on the radio. A Sisters of Mercy special has been on while I've been typing this. A perfect end to a day that has had much more good than bad. I needed one of those days. It's been a long time coming.

Not a good start to the day. Awoke feeling as appalling as I did on Tuesday; lots of pain & difficulty breathing. Forced myself out of bed to take pills but due to empty stomach the pills made me feel very sick. Mood crashed & forced myself to eat a banana. Bananas don't seem to fill this monkey with joy. I have filled the morning with Lana Del Rey, Morrissey & Rik Mayall in an attempt to cheer me up. Mind working overtime this morning, rushing from bad thought to nasty circumstance to horrible happening to foul conclusion. Ugly, ugly conclusion. Lana was a nice distraction.  She hasn't made me feel better but at least I don't feel sick any more.

This afternoon I will sew, iron & call the psych well being service as they haven't sent me the details about the stress management groups they promised. I think they might be necessary.   I might have to watch "The Big Bang Theory" as well. And breathe, lots of breathing. Breathing is good.

My man tin.

Mummy got me a man tin. In the absence of manly items I have filled it with my make up & nail varnish. My face & fingers are sponsored by Barry M.

initial burble

In the absence of being able to get out & about & a realisation that I have to get things out... I'm starting an outlet, an overflow, a catharsis of sorts. Writing for myself is something I've neglected. I have come to realise that myself is something I've neglected too, so this is a process of reflection, a measure of progress, evidence for myself of learning, proof of improvement. The very first step, asking for help has been the most difficult & I've been fortunate enough to be well placed to have some brilliant people around me who have been pointing me in the right direction. It's time to take the steps, to put the action in. I must do this for myself as much as to honour & thank those people. Carrying on as I have been will kill me, no doubt about that. I've been here before & the the results were almost fatal. I don't want that. 

A visit to A&E on Tuesday convinced me that asking for help is the right & correct thing to do. I admitted I can't carry on without help & was fortunate to be offered that. Following agonisingly frustrating days of rest, today I've got a little energy back. I have made soup. I have painted my nails. Having got the essentials out of the way it's time to do some more... 

The things to do are.

1. Thank the hospital, specifically the doctor.
2. Call the work helpline & ask them about help for my state of mind. I cannot risk waiting until the end of the month.
3. Make some toadstools for Jack's fairground ride.
4. Sew some trousers. 
5. Sort the laundry.

Five things. Should not take long. Will report back.