I am human & I need to be loved...

So much happenings...

The good...

I am sufficiently functional to be able to return to work some days.

We have some money coming in as a result.

We seem to be moving forward with the house... We finally got around to asking for some more mortgage money.

We have made some decisions about what we wan to do with the house & have a sort of plan.

Part of the plan involves clearing some of our debts & we are planning how we spend & looking forward.

Some people were nice to me when I went back to work.

A couple of old friends have got in touch.

Chloe has been very kind, understanding & patient.

I have developed something akin to faith... I ask for help with something, I invariably get it, I say thank you. Whether this is merely a manifestation of my own will or intervention on behalf of a higher power matters not, it's working & I am extremely grateful.

Meditation has been incredibly useful & I can really feel a difference within when I let it slide.

My pictures have been received really well & I have been asked to write about them for a blog about Hull people who are passionate about Hull. 

The less good...

I am to face disciplinary stuff at work. I made a dreadful hash of things before my enforced period of absence. It needs to happen & I accept that. if I am to have any credibility in the future I have to go through this process. We'll see what the outcome brings.

Some people at work have been less nice.

I am still getting easily tired.

Today has seen the return of Cuntbunny who had been absent for some time, I have been doing an awful lot.

I have let this process f reflection slide. Naughty me. It's as important as the meditation.

Some people made incorrect assumptions from seeing me uploading pictures while I was absent from work, deciding that I must be active & enjoying myself. Good job they didn't find this little litany of woes to dispel their view of a happy, skipping, shutter clicking bag of fun & joy. The pictures paint a picture of a person with a healthy body & mind of course. Can't they see that the shattered, derelict subject matter reflects the mind that made them? No thinking going on.

Today we took a trip to see Frankenweenie & join in with some festivities in town. We ventured into Holy Trinity on the promise that there would be Christmas craft stalls. There were none. It was not a wasted trip. I wanted to see if the bit of external help I've been getting would stir when inside the temple. It did a bit, of course it did, as much as it would in any temple, regardless of denomination. I shouldn't test it; tests don't work with this kind of thing. We were escorted round by an elderly chap who knew everything about the church, but very little about tolerance & kindness & he made some appalling statements while he was telling us facts about the place. It struck me as we wandered around that again Hull has this most marvellous beautiful thing that isn't celebrated & isn't well known. People travel from miles around to York Minster, Beverley Minster, Lincoln Cathedral. How many tourists does the largest parish church in the country pull in? Not many. Very frustrating. I need to go back much more regularly. 

Tomorrow I want to get the Christmas things out of the loft & make a start on tarting the place up. I failed miserably at this last year. This year I want the house to glow. I want at least four trees. I need two smaller ones; one for the porch & one for the kitchen. I want to put some the lights on the outside of the house as well. I want to enjoy this Christmas. I passed through last years as if in a trance. 

I'm going to think long & hard about my Hull Republic piece too. I have a couple of ideas. It's so long since I've written creatively, this is a real chance to get that started again. It's obvious to me now, now that a lot of things are coming back & some opportunities offered just how closed off I was before. Such little effort has reaped huge rewards. A little more effort will bring much more. 

Waiting

Anxiety on overload this morning. Much worry about being able to go back to work & money.  Anxious about making calls, anxious about getting dressed, anxious about the pain, Cuntbunny has made a slight return but is being nicely suppressed by the Ammo & the Tranny Doll. Managed to get myself going with some encouragement from Sharon & a chat about what's making me worried. Need to remember that it's fine to tell other people, especially her these things. Being open is being so very helpful & making me feel some proximity to people again. The weird detachment the medication was causing seems to have worn off. Don't feel so floaty & was easier to get up & et Jack ready this morning. I'm going to put together a daily timetable to get myself used to getting up early & getting ready before Jack gets up to get myself used to being in that routine again. Need to experiment with the medication times to make sure the effects fit in with that. So I hope to have improved sufficiently for Monday to be work worthy, but I must remember to focus on the now & be in the present rather than getting distracted & worried about the future. Have been asking for help with things too, just asking, which seems to be helping a great deal. Not sure who I'm asking or how they're helping, but it helps.

I shall continue to wait for the phone. 

I shall give my nails another coat.

I shall do some sewing & make a start on the ironing.

I shall have some lunch.

I shall have a slow walk to the school to collect Jack.

I shall have a nice evening watching Children in Need. Looking forward to the Dr Who bit of course.

I shall plant some more pansies in the garden. Put some in yesterday which made me feel quite nice. Might have accidentally hacked into a few bulbs though.

There goes the alarm to remind me to take pills. Lunch time. Calm time. 

Changes

So... Now feeling somewhat better. Had a trip to see the lovely Dr Ram on Tuesday. She listened to what I had to say, which was nice of her. She reviewed the medication I'm on & suggested trying a small dose of amytriptalline as she felt that the pain could be due to some sort of nerve damage. In the spirit of being open to everything & trying anything to kill off Cuntbunny I have given it a go. The good news is it seems to be working. The weird news is, there are side effects. I feel a bit groggy in the morning (less so today, I took it earlier last night to make sure it had worn off by morning). I feel rather detached & rather floaty. Not altogether a bad thing... Hopefully will wear off soon. I have called work & expressed a hope to return on Monday. They have not seen the best of me. I was not able to offer it before. Hopefully now without being physically in pain & debilitated by not being able to breathe properly they will see some improvement. Hopefully I've put enough into place to improve things; more confidence, willingness to ask for help, more open to change & challenge, less willing to go down routes that will do me harm. More structured & honest in reflection. Better able to communicate my needs. Things will improve.
I need to decide who gets my vote for Police Crime Commissioner. The decision to be made a vote for Lord Prescott or a Liberal Democrat. Not much of a choice really.

Pain again

Continuing to gulp down the Tramadol but in lots of pain over the weekend. Monday was intolerable & depressing. I struggled to drag myself out of a fugue to manage to do the bare minimum after a brief burst in the morning when I destroyed the pile of ironing. 

The thought of another weeks absence fills me with dread & concern about money & about the security of my role. Meditating regularly but it is difficult to stay positive.

Had to cancel my place on the anxiety management group that was due to start this evening which I'm disappointed about too. Realistically I am not well enough to go & Sharon was very worried about me getting there & back. There will be another course that I can attend in the new year. The pain today is pretty much constant & I'm trying to resist the urge to sleep the day away. Which would be easy as these Tramadol things make me drowsy.

I have booked another GP appointment with the hopefully more sympathetic Dr Ram for this afternoon. She has been consistently helpful so I'm going to stick with her for now.

Did a bit of reading around yesterday on a forum about asthma that stated that pain from pleurisy can last for a long time after the infection has cleared. Not heard that from a professional though so I'm not sure what to think. Will do a bit more digging.
Had an interesting day on Sunday. Dropped Jack off at his friend's house to play & while trudging home I was abused by an ex prisoner for not immediately acknowledging his presence as he shouted at me from behind while I was on the phone. He threatened me with violence & without hesitation I responded in kind, assuring him that if he tried anything he would come off worse. I can't remember the exact dialogue, needless to say it was not pleasant & would have been upsetting for others to hear (there was no one else around.) He cycled off; no rumpus. The most important & noteworthy thing about the exchange is that I felt a great strength in my voice, I allowed myself to get angry & let the anger out. It felt good. A voice I've suppressed for a very long time broke through. Now I'm certain that my response can't be considered right, but it was good to let that side of me out of the box. I had been doing throat chakra meditations as I think that self expression is a good place to start. Seems to be working.

Yesterday we met heroes & villans.

After two days of horrible pain & tiredness I decided to give a trip to the GP another go. She was unwilling to listen & stuck to the standard mantra of "Don't take ibuprofen if you have asthma." Yawn. Not willing to listen, suggested the problem might be muscular, with which I disagree, can muscular pain continue for ten weeks? I doubt it. She dismissed me with the statement that they can do no more until they receive the letter from the specialist. It seems us none doctors are regarded as being incapable of communicating simple messages. Arse. Still she did prescribe me some Tramadol, which is taking the edge off but I feel utterly out of it. I can see why people take these for fun however, it's not my favoured altered state. I am not enjoying this at all. Can't get motivated, feel all woozy, detached, bizarre.  Not nice. Incredibly difficult to get motivated & I'm fighting against a huge block of disappointment, confusion about where to turn & what to do next. Plus the dismissal & the finding of nothing is making me feel like a fraud, even though I know I'm not. I'm winning the battle to stay positive, keep doing things & not retreat to the bed all tearful & helpless but only just. Walking past people who are smoking fags, drinking booze, out of their minds on something fills me with rage at the minute. I envy their sweet euphoria, that blessed ignorance, that chemical cushion that keeps everything at bay. I know it only ever did me harm, but right now a holiday in my head seems the ideal destination. Not getting on the bus though, the train or the plane. To get dressed. I have Stormtroopers to meet, which is when this started...

Pancake flat & deflating further.

Not doing too bad though. Decided to keep a list of things to do on top of the microwave & have done most of them. I've done all of the things I put on there at the start of the day anyway  apart from clearing the spare room out a bit more, which would have meant lifting things. Not a good idea today.

The day was going well until Cuntbunny gave me a right good hoofing while I was out & about shopping. So painful I had to keep still, hang on to a bollard & have a good swear out loud. I'm certain bypassers thought me quite mad & they would be correct. So I've been mopey since. Lapsing in & out of solipsism with bursts of motivation. Need to go to bed. Mindful thinking is helping me prevent myself from giving up on the day. Useful.

Post Frustration

Starting with the good...

• I saw the specialist. He concluded that there are no major problems with the workings of my crackly lungy air sacks. Honest. That is reassuring  but opinions about his conclusions & opinions differ. He suggested that my problems might be due to a "post nasal drip"; goo from my eternally allergic dripping conk slipping down my throat & pooling in my lungs which can cause problems. In the spirit of trying anything to make improvements I'm giving the nose spray he suggested a go. If all it does is stop me sneezing & snuffling all the time it will be worthwhile.
• Obtained a new coat of beautiful beauty for a whole £9. A steal. I am a criminal. 
• I can move about more. I left the house around 12 today. Took the bus to the top of Spring Bank West, walked from there all the way to my appointment at Clifton Medical centre on Beverley Road (via some wonderful places). Then after the appointment from the surgery to the bus stop at the junction with Clough Road. When I was walking from the bus stop on Anlaby Road to home I almost got up to normal walking speed for a few minutes with only a little bit of kicking from Cuntbunny. I was so pleased with myself I nearly wept in the street. It felt so good just to be able to move nearly normally & get out & about. I'm paying for it now though. CB is having a right good wriggle up against my ribs despite a good coshing with the Cocoa Damn It All Hammer. Twat.
• Session on Beverley Road with the nice anxiety man went well. We talked about the physiological process of anxiety & while I know about that already he presented it in a really useful way (that I'm stealing for the future to share with people) & we talked about how best to attempt to control the process. It would seem I've fallen into a few traps which are responsible for my current predicament. Suggested solutions were instead of focussing on anxiety & allowing inner voice to get away with what amounts to sabotage & murder, speak to yourself as you would a child waking from a nightmare, all kind, reassuring & encouraging. Softly, quietly  & calmly. Worth a try. We also talked about the benefits of having a useful mantra (which I've started with) & mindfulness meditation. Again this is something that keeps popping up so seems like a good thing to follow so this evenings meditations will be of the mindfulness variety.
• Following a recommendation from a nice man who showed me a picture of a tweed waistcoat I stumbled into a pop up shop (!) called Tide on Princes Ave. It was lovely, The waistcoat was definitely worth visiting for. The couple who run the shop were really friendly & it was a pleasure to meet them. I tried on the waistcoat & it was indeed beautiful. If I was sufficiently skilled to make waistcoats I would probably make similar, but with silky instead of waxy backs. They took some pictures of me trying their stuff on & asked if I would like to model for them when they do some publicity pictures! Hilarious. I said yes of course. But, important thing is, this has come from being open, asking for opportunities, asking for things & welcoming them in, not piling up the barriers & hiding behind a load of psykoalogickal crap I've piled up in front of myself. I gave them my e mail address. If nothing comes of it I don't mind. It was lovely to be asked & just being asked proves something important; this process of change I'm going through is having positive results already. 
• I have taken some rather lovely pictures.
• Sharon is being extraordinarily wonderful & I really could not be sharing my life with a more beautiful, caring & selfless person. 

And the less good stuff.

• I have no answers as to what is causing my pain or explanations as to why I am getting increasingly debilitating chest infections that take longer to recover from each time. The specialist said that some people are just unfortunate & more susceptible. I'm not entirely satisfied with this answer. The specialist dismissed the issue of exposure to pigeon filth & rotten corpses. He said it would have caused problems at the time, but would not have any long lasting effects. This contradicts what others have said. He stated that he could not possibly comment on what my problem is as his specialism is lungs & he feels that my lungs are fine... So I have to think about what to do next. Do I pursue referral to a different specialist via my GP? Just getting to see this one was a battle that drained me & dragged on for an age... but I'm a little better prepared for that kind of thing now. Sharon suggested advice from the union. A colleague of Sharon's suggested submitting a complaint & requesting a second opinion; she thinks the specialist is fobbing me off. She works in medical complaints so has some experience of how gloriously they can fuck things up.
• I have been signed off work for two weeks.
• It still hurts, but less so.
• Very anxious before calling in to work this morning. Postponed & procrastinated all I could until I just bit the bullet & went for it. Terrible thing. Next time I shall try my best coming round from a nightmare voice & calmly reassure myself into taking action rather than putting myself through a lot of grief & nonsense. I am worried about my future in this role. I think I might have thought myself into a dead end though. My attitude to work is inflexible, contradicting my attitude to other aspects of life... if things as seemingly fixed as gender & faith can fluctuate why can't my career? I'm sure I can do other things if I need to. Every one else can. I need to let myself off the hook a bit with this. It's just a job. It's an important job, it's a job I want to excel at & it's a job I like but it's not the world. The world will not end if I don't do it. 

So to sew & sew & to have a think about what to do next.

Appointmenting

Appointment with specialist this afternoon. I have peed in a jar & written him a little history of how we got here. Hoping for some answers...

History of problems

• I am allergic to penicillin.
• Diagnosed with asthma in childhood at approximately 8 years old.
• Susceptible to chest infections throughout childhood, usually once or twice a year. These became more frequent & debilitating in adulthood.
• Repeated chest infections in 2008 & increase in pain experienced led to diagnosis of pleurisy September 2008 by GP.
• Dec 2008-March 2009 ear infection led to labyrinthitis causing dizziness & nausea for a prolonged period.
• June 2009 realised severity of exposure to contaminants from pigeon faeces & dead matter in work environment; maggots fell through ceiling of office, found to be many pigeons nesting on top of rotting pigeon carcasses in roof space above office.
• Working in prison was generally filthy environment with pigeons, excrement & feathers in most areas. Constant irritation to eyes & runny nose.
• September 2009 to June 2011 experienced repeated chest infections causing absence from work for increasingly prolonged periods.
• June 2011 chest & throat infection; very painful very intense symptoms.
• July 2011 left prison to work in community.
• September 2011 chest infection very painful. Repeated visits to GP. GP's stated that they could not hear any noises in lungs that would suggest infection despite persistence of cough, pain & breathlessness.
• November 2011 admission to A&E diagnosed pneumonia.
• Pain, feeling breathless, dizziness, feeling excessively tired, difficulty exerting self pretty much constant since.
• Regular trips to GP since then have resulted in regular prescriptions of antibiotics .
• Last spirometry test shows age of lungs is 72 years old.
• June & September 2012 without antibiotics however still experiencing some symptoms but not severe. Requested referral to chest specialist as I felt that antibiotics were not resolving my problem.
• July 2012 HIV test taken at request of GP prior to referral to chest specialist. Result negative.
• September 2012, symptoms more severe. Return to GP & antibiotics prescribed.
• October 2012 attended HRI for chest x ray.
• October 2012, symptoms & pain increase. Attend A&E at HRI. Diagnosed pleurisy. Prescribed more antibiotics. Seen by Dr Naeck who recommended discuss fully exposure to pollutants in prison environment with specialist & advised might be necessary to undergo broncoscopy to assess cause of problem.
• Symptoms have continued since. While less severe still experiencing chest pain, breathlessness & dizziness when active. Absent form work currently.
• Physical health is limiting my ability to function; I have been absent form work & when at work unable to function to the best of my abilities due to feeling unwell. I have been experiencing anxiety & depression also, (I am currently attending sessions with counsellor & CBT to address this.) My poor physical health has been a significant contributory factor to the severity of the symptoms of my anxiety & depression.

Ugh

Feeling like utter dog shit this morning. CB is quietly reminding me of his presence but not kicking. Head is a mess; does not want to do anything. Going to give myself a kickstart & get going. Must remember I am I can. All blocked up last night. Couldn't relax, couldn't get into any meditation,;too twitchy, too restless. Started sewing a beautiful suit from the wardrobe of untouched things that I forgot I had. Sewing helped but I think my lack of meditation might account for the dreadful way I feel today. 

Right, action time.

Will put God on the DVD & see where we go from there.

I can I am

What's been beneficial?

Meditaition has been making a great difference. I feel more calm. I feel like I have some hope. I feel like I'm starting to make a difference & I find a great deal of pleasure in the relaxed states. The further in I go the better. The synaesthetic experiences are wonderful.

Music has been incredibly useful. Putting things on to enjoy. Filling the dead space & cutting off the anxiety with music has been really good. Using technology to help has been central to all of this. There's as much good stuff as there is bullshit on youtube & the like. I've set my filter high. 

Being open to all sorts without question is helping. I'm ignoring ideology,  looking past dogma & philosophy. At the moment if it makes me feel better then it's getting used. Getting better is the most important thing at the moment. If I come through all this & find that I have had some major belief shift then that's obviously what needed to happen. I even did a chakra test last night. My chakras are of course entirely fucked & it told me what I already kind of knew however I'm not discounting that doing some chakra meditation might be helpful & have tried some with good effect. 
Sewing is good. I have been losing myself in cloth, in the weave, the stitch absorbs me, takes all of the bad away. Sewing every day is essential. 

Our dead brothers are shouting at me "The only thing to fear is fear itself". Coil always helps. Must do more Coil.

Beautiful.

Cuntbunny seems to be sleeping encouraged by paracetamol & ibuprofen  Hopefully the little shit will stay that way & I won't have to hit him with the big Cocoa damn all hammer. Horrid stuff.

I can I am. Nice little spell to get things done.

Anxiety

So some things that make me anxious...

• Telephone calls, the 'phone ringing, making 'phone calls all make me twitchy by degrees. Calls to work most of all, as I worry about the effect of informing them I need more time off, that I'm still not right, despite each call I've made being received seemingly with understanding & a firm, "we don't want you to come back until you're well & not in pain". Calls to & from family breed anxiety from a bizarre reluctance to explain myself, a reluctance to let on how bad things are, a lot of worry about making them worry; I'm usually the person who soothes their worries. Not so at the moment & that's disappointing & worrying. 
• Asking for help is difficult because I've not done it before, because it's new having the traffic go in the other direction, because I know the dance. I've been pushing through, scraping by, doing well depending on various factors & where you stand in this for so long that it feels very odd to be letting other people in. It's the only way this is going to get any better. I understand that now. I have to be transparent, I have to be open with other people. I have to be ok with the idea that it's ok not to be ok.
• Fear of failure; the stakes are very high. I've got an awful lot to loose so it's absolutely essential that I start to get things right. So much could go wrong & that makes me really really scared.
• Fear of letting people down. People are being very supportive & kind but I can't help feeling I've let people down. No one has said so, but I want to be reliable, a provider, active, fun, friendly... I can't do that at the moment. I acknowledge by making these first steps towards getting myself right I'm starting to put myself in a position where I'm less likely to let people down, but that's scary too. I don't feel dependable, I feel flaky, wobbly, soft. 
• Fear of change. Things have to change. I don't know how yet but they have to, which might involve an element of assertiveness which is scary in itself. Leaps into the unknown are scary. I don't know what I'm going to be when I've come out of the other side of this process of change. I need to change how I think about this. I need to get used to the fact that the change needs to be constant. Paying lip service to the process of self development & reflection has got me so far, but now I've come to a halt. Imagine how far I could get if I did this properly. 
• Fear of other peoples reactions. Be it upset or anger or joy or gratitude, I'm never comfortable with people's reactions to my actions. 
• Fear of social situations. I have avoided contact with friends, with family & colleagues. For as long as I can remember I have felt like an outsider even in groups of people who are close to me, who I love & value. My imposed isolation has increased over time. I need to change this.
• Shopping. I don't know why but this always seems to be a flash point. Whether it's worrying about spending too much money, being around so many people, the vast impersonal horror of these consumerist hells or just my madness. I can't remember a shopping trip when I've not got anxious somehow.

I have been doing some guided meditations which have had some very noticeable benefits so far.

• Pain has been more manageable.
• I have felt more at ease.
• I have been experiencing some intense emotions. Was listening to Garlands this morning while walking to the bus stop & it affected me more than it has for years. I felt my legs give way. I had all sorts of synaesthesia going on. Not experienced anything like that for years. It was lovely.

Co-codamol withdrawal happened on Wednesday night. I fell asleep after coming back from town. When I woke I was shivering & sneezy. I assumed I was developing a cold to go with everything else. Cuntbunny was kicking away at my chest so I took some co-codamol & the cold disappeared. Not good so I have tried to manage on paracetamol & ibruprofen. So far it's not been good. The bunny still sticks the boot in. He's wearing DM's instead of steel toe caps but he's still having a good go at me. Fucker.

Anxiety

Woke up around 5 in pain. Anxiety around work. Must call today. Meditated around it. Need to look into local meditation groups. See if that helps.

Therapalised

Some good things.

Out two days on the trot, all dressed up proper like. While it's made me feel better mentally I'm not sure it's done me good physically. Both excursions resulted in much pain & shortness of breath.

Had blood tests today. Full blood count, sugar & something called bi chemical profile which can apparently yield all sorts of interesting information.

Recieved a call from the hospital asking me to attend an earlier appointment on Monday 5th. They had been asked by my GP to squeeze me in early if a slot became available which is another good thing as it would seem to indicate that they are taking my complaint seriously.

Had a bit of a mooch around my old bit of Beverley Rd which brought back some pleasant & some not so pleasant memories.

Encouraging words from a potential PM.

Attended appointment with PWBS. They have  requested I observe & record the triggers for anxiety over the coming week.

So I shall.

Cuntbunny gave me a good old wallop after my appointment. It's not just the physical aspect of the pain but the stuff that goes with it. Each kick from the twatrabbit triggers a stream of thoughts that tell me I'm stuck with this, that I'm not getting better quickly enough which leads to frustration, worry about not being able to go back to work soon which leads to worry about job security & worry about money which leads to worry about letting people down. All in the space of five minutes while waiting for the bus in the rain on  Beverley Road which more than ever looks like an insane post apocalyptic place. The pubs & shops all empty, churches derelict. KFC seem to be doing well down there though. So not only pain but place & setting had a little hand in that anxious flutter.

Was too tired to be bothered enough to get anxious about anything by the time I got home. I opted for an experimental walk round St Stephens which I should not have done. Body was telling me to go home to rest. Should have listened.

Had a lovely visit from Al & Gareth who delivered Halloween cup cakes they had collaborated on which was lovely.

Tomorrow's aims...

Check bank balances.
Call work.
Carve pumpykins.
Frankenweenie.
A little stitching.
Some meditation.
Look marvelous.

Heckonastick.

All was going well. We wandered round Hessle Road for a bit in the damp & did some shoping. Now worn out & fancy a snooze. Of course me
napping has caused Cuntbunny to wake up & give me a good kicking preventing cosy snoozy nappage. How I wish I could strangle the little bastard.

Progression

So... late start for Cuntbunny. He has only just woken & seems not to be kicking so hard. Might be due to the time adjustment (I do like being back on GMT), might be due to the meditation that I've been doing & feeling more positive, might be because I haven't done much today (started climbing the mountain of crumpled clothes that need ironing, washed, dressed, breakfast not much else), might just be feeling a little better.

No painkillers taken yet but I feel that might have to change soon. We shall see how the day goes. I am trying to commit to living in the moment, just for today & other assorted clichés  Actually I've ceased caring about clichés, if it works I'm doing it. Aesthetic considerations have been abandoned in desperation.

This picture filled me with hope for once, not upset.

Sat in day

Cuntbunny did yesterday in & resulted in me ceasing all activity other than eating nachos with cheese dip & watching Dr Who. However my incapacity led to me looking into guided meditations on You Tube. While bits of them were a little trite I managed to achieve meditative states that I'd not experienced for years, dissociation from body, hallucinations, the whole lot. Really successful. I had another go this morning when CB woke me nice & early. Didn't go as deep but there was a Figgis kneeing me in the side.

The result has been feeling much improved today. While the pain remains intense I feel better equipped to deal with it. I think I'm stuck with the pain for the time being. My breathing is much improved but the pain is still here so I think it's probably best to try to cope with it for now rather than fight it off. So I'm going to keep as active as I can for short bursts with rests & keep on with the meditating as that's helped most. Pleased to be feeling a little better. So far today I have...

• Showered, shaved & got dressed.
• Disinfected the cat loo.
• Done the laundry.
• Washed up & cleaned the kitchen.
• Taught Jack how to play Go Fish.

Things to do are:

• Wait for Ma & Pa to pop round.
• E mails
• Read mail
• Sewing
• Big pile of ironing
• Watch "The Godfather" later.
• Sewing.

Cuntbunny

I have a name for my pain "Cuntbunny". So named because it feels like I have a rabbit kicking the crap out of the inside of my chest.

Cuntbunny awoke early this morning & it fucking hurts. Bad bunny. No carrots for you. On the plus side, I got up, did the washing up, sorted out the rubbish & made breakfast for folks so I'm on with achieving being up & ready for 9. The power of setting & writing down small achievable goals. It can work. I seem to had forgotten that.

Must eat breakfast so I can take some delicious pills.

Plasmataz.

Watching a programme about making stars. Terrifying.

So... feeling pretty pleased with my progress. Avoided major anxiety for a good few days. Attended session with therapist today & talked about how I've neglected to do for myself that which I advise & support others in doing. I used to be developing, conscious, experimenting with myself, with fresh techniques all the time. At some point that ceased & just thinking about it now I've identified the exact time it did & I want to cry. Epiphany at the keyboard. Babies aren't the only things that die in miscarriages.
I talked about how I always recommend to people they have a programme. I don't have one. I used to. I need to get that back to get me well. So I must start... more meditation later. My being forced to kip in the Figgis' bed last night has made him determined to sleep in there this evening so should be able to get some good stuff done & in the dark too. The luxury of darkness. I really miss it.

We also talked about work, about burnout, about what I want to do. I think I want to stick at it. I don't think I'm burnt out through work. I've been through that twice now. I think I'm burnt out through me. I'm all not right, not just the work bits. We talked about my largely hidden ambition to do something with sewing & clothes. I should really put some action in to move that along a bit. All in good time.

Physically I feel much the same. The pain in my side continues to be agonising but less so  than before. I'm not sure if it has decreased or if I've just got used to it. It still takes me by surprise from time to time though. My short walk around the centre of Hessle & my short walk form Gypsyville to home tired me out & I ended up napping in bed by 4pm, asleep in an arm chair by 5.30pm, in bed again at 7pm & now only up & forced awake by caffeine & a determination to get everything on my list done.

So tomorrow's list...

• Up & dressed before 9.
• Open & deal with mail.
• Confirm attendance at anxiety management group.
• Confirm venue & time of appointment on 30th.
• Answer e mails.
• Have a crack at a little trip to Princes Ave. A new pop up vintage shop has occurred that someone has recommended to me so I should really have a peep.
• Bank stuff.
• That is all. Some sewing too.

Ooochy ouchy

Pain very bad again today. Had not much sleep but what I did have was quality. Discovered some meditation podcasts that helped. Will try more & will try them when I'm not sleepy... So good things...

• Got out of the house yesterday.
• Completed the taking in of the waist of the trousers I'm working on. Waists & bums always feel like a big challenge. Might need a bit of minor fiddling but I'll sort that once I've dealt with the legs.
• My wardrobe is full to bursting.
• Doing the guided meditation really helped. 
• Made dinner last night.
• Painted nails.
• Posted some well recieved pictures.
• Read with Mr Figgis.

Today's aims...

• Get ready.
• Go to appointment in Hessle.
• Take some painkillers.
• Make nice brunch.
• More sewing.
• More meditation.
• Sleep well.
• Update later.

Xing off the days.

Positive things...

Submitted complaint letter to GP.
Now have appointment with specialist 12th November.
Pain is managable today.
Forcing myself to have a clean up has made me feel a bit more positive.
Listening to Cocteau Twins at full volume is good for you.
I'm going to get ready to go for a walk.
Reading Gaol is being exceptionally nice to me.
Today (well for the past half hour) I feel quite determined to be better.
Inspiring old lady on the Tv box yesterday talking about unburdening yourself through writing to God. Obviously works better if you have actual faith but as this keeps getting waved in my face writing is being shown to me as being key to getting better so I must make sure I write all this down at least once a day.

Despite getting a few things done yesterday I feel like it was a complete write off. I was in so much pain at times I was going dizzy. I'm determined not to feel the same about today. Today had the potential to be even worse as it started incredibly badly. I have picked it up though, will keep it on track.

And some pictures... Me going to the doctors on Monday looking incredibly afraid. Despite that I got there & I did what needed to be done. I got what I needed. I need to write about that coat. It is utterly precious to me & deserves celebrating. A treasured thing.
Picture of this morning's muzic. Ms Fraser has created sunshine & warmth where there had been a sharp eviscerating blizzard.

Time for make up, co-codamol as the pain is making a come back, putting on the precious coat; it's like armour.

Sunday is like every day

Very unhappy today. Pain seems to be worse. Nearing the end of my course of antibiotics & there seems to be little improvement. Still getting pain in left side of chest, still getting short of breath, still knackered following very little activity. Utterly frustrated by my inability to get well.

That's the whining out of the way. Now to focus on some positives.

1. Made great progress sorting out the spare room & streamlining the Beano collection.
2. Found some lovely things while sorting out the spare room.
3. Finished one pair of trousers & started work on a suit.
4. Attended appointment in Hessle with the counsellor which went well.
5. Kept on top of laundry.
6. Got ready, shaved, applied mascara , dressed properly & everything yesterday & went to the garden centre for Halloween fun.
7. Implementing some of the stuff that the counsellor suggested.
8. Focussing on what's right for me & what's going to help me get better.
9. Using music & comedy as an “off switch” for negative thinking.
10. Submitting a complaint about the GP service & the poor way they have dealt with my referral to the chest specialist.
11. Thinking about how to plan next week to use time optimally to get better.
12. Sticking religiously to medication despite it making me feel sick.
13. Have been taking some nice photo's which seem to have been received well.

Before tomorrow I hope to:

1. Check bank balances.
2. Print letter of complaint for GP.
3. Complete another seam on the trousers.
4. Do some ironing.
5. Not let the anxiety overwhelm me. It's going fucking bonkers right now.
6. Accept that this is just for now & that improvements have already been made & will continue to be made. Go me!
7. That's quite enough for now.

Hawthorne Avenue kitchen.



Current stitching project.



Hawthorne Ave alley way.



Carlton Theatre.



Vampire Jack.



Hessle Church



Old goff pic.



Attacked by a vamp.



Hessle gargoyle.



Hessle gargoyle that looks like Alan Rickman.

More Hawthorne Avenue

More pretty pictures, edited & taken by me of the desecration regeneration of Hawthorne Avenue.





The tentacles of the gigantic alien robot squid whose destruction rendered the area uninhabitable can be seen hanging down the side of the building above.






Better shot of the tentacles of the dead robot alien squid that attacked Hawthorne Avenue whose destruction rendered the area uninhabitable. 

Hawthorne

Woke well this morning, mood manageable but chest painful. Managed to chug down tablets without the usual nausea. Spacing them out between triangles of toast covered in Mum's bramble & apple home made jam seems to help. 

Achieved sufficient application of clothing early on anticipating trip to doctors & was lucky to get an early appointment. Took an age to wheezily walk to the surgery & had to have a rest part way to catch my breath but I was very pleased to have got dressed, got out & got there. 

The nice doctor prescribed more antibiotics, insisted that I take the cocodamol regularly despite its unpleasant side effects & gave me a sick note for a week. We discovered however that despite promising at earlier appointments that they would submit a referral to a chest specialist to get to the bottom of the problem, the referral has not happened. I was distraught, disappointed & livid. The nice doctor assured me that she would submit a referral today. Nevertheless I shall be checking up on them tomorrow when I call to make the appointment for blood tests. If they still haven't done it I'm smearing dog shit on their windows, maybe... there's an awful lot of it about. Perhaps I was just more aware of it having not been out for a while. I have lost my turd tolerance.

To cheer myself up & because I wanted to minimise the amount of time I was going to spend moping alone I went for a wander down Hawthorne Avenue to see how the desecration  regeneration is progressing. I spent half an hour traipsing about carefully among the rubble & the despair. I get a great feeling of calm in abandoned places. I like looking around for clues that there once might have been inhabitants. I hate the way they are sweeping away a whole community & sicking up new buildings that completely change the character of the area. I took some pictures. I wasted more time editing them this evening but I think I improved the look of the place with my modifications. They should put me in charge of the regeneration. It would look a lot more exciting.

When the pain got too much I had a waddle home & wasted most of the afternoon grumping uselessly on the settee, drained of energy & motivation. 

No escape.

Free da weed indeed.

Jack & Shanice

These beautiful tiles will be destroyed. I'm tempted to go back with a chisel to see if I can get them off whole.

Roses among the rubble.

When the people are all gone the brambles will take over.

Posted the above to IG & all have been well received which is pleasing. I've got a few more that need some tinkering about with so will post those tomorrow.

Managed between sulks to sort out the laundry. make cauliflower cheese & call work. So didn't do too bad really. Achieved quite a bit. Painted nails. Always do the essentials.

Due to snoozing through the afternoon I'm wide awake now. I don't want to be. Hopefully the cocococodamnols will knock me out. Chest is starting to nag again so definitely time for more.

Tomorrow's aims are...

•  up & dressed. 
• Might even shave as I have developed a beard. 
• Go for another walk about the ruins.
•  Edit the rest of the pictures & load them up.
•  Iron today's washing.
•  Do some sewing. 

Should be fairly achievable.

To do impossible things.

So... to set some goals.

1. Music. Music all day. Start with The Cure loud, taking advantage of being alone in the house.
2. Laundry.
3. Get dressed.
4. Eat.
5. Make a start on book case number two.

And Bob is singing to me...

Praise the Lord.

Watch "David Bowie - Sunday" on YouTube

Sunday morning

These pills are making me feel very sick. Horrid. But they seem to be doing what they should. A bit less painful today. I fell very woozy & unsteady though.

Focussing on the positive... It took me about half an hour to kill the negative (which was much less negative than it has been of late) & sufficiently motivate myself to rise, move downstairs & swallow the tabbytabs. Well done me.

Time to wake the cherished ones & see what I can do today.

A better day

So I feel improved. Chest continues to feel like I've been trampled by horses when I inhale but I don't seem to be too bothered. Co-codamol's nice like that. To summarise...

The day started with complete & utter overwhelming desperation & tearful outbursts around 5am, followed by catatonic crisis & stream of conciousness chaos thoughts distracted by news of fresh allegations against the shell suit pederast. I was dragged out of it by the awakening of my cherished two, being bullied to take tablets & me begging to be allowed to tidy up just so I could feel at least a little bit useful.

I did a bit of reading around, looking for answers, motivation, the sort of guff that I have no trouble telling other people.

Start small they all said. So I managed to shower, brush teeth & get dressed by degrees. The old pressures around getting dressed have returned. Each decision about clothing combinations a tip toe into the minefield. The wardrobe a warzone. A step in the wrong direction could trigger an anxiety explosion powerful enough to shred limbs. This has been creeping up on me for a while. I should have been concious of it when I started consulting Sharon about my choice of tie every morning. This is good, this reflecting; picking up on the signs I've missed.

Go outside they said. Be among nature. Nature is lacking round here so I hung the towels on the washing line & had a look at the fuschias. I resolved to go for a walk later.

Family returned & we talked about the house & what we need to do & I could feel the pressure building in my chest & I didn't want it. I absolutely did not want it to come back & piss all over the good things I'd managed to do so far.

Take control they said. Small steps they said. Anticipate little victories they said. I declared war on a book case. Everything I'm unlikely to read again was to go to the charity shop. Sharon acted as censor preventing any potential donations that would lead to charity shop volunteers making a not altogeter incorrect assumption about our deviance from going into the charity shop bags. Books saved were all the Sallingers, Dorothy Parker, anything with Bowie on the cover, anything with Genesis P Orridge in, all the  Ballards, anything with Robert Smith on the cover, my big Wilde bible, Complete Sherlock box, Billy Burroughs, all my Re-Search books, Mr Crisp & my beloved tatty copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Control taken.

We had right good giggle at the school photo's I found stashed among the paperbacks & cooed at Figgis baby snaps.

I found two Cd's with about 8000 photo's on that I thought I'd lost so they were put onto the new laptop.

We managed a walk to the fair. I was on a roll by this point. Even though I felt awful nothing was going to stop me. Chest pain nobbled me though so I came back on my own early, via the chippy.

Eat healthy they said. At home I indulged in the hugest portion of chips, two cheese & onion patties & mushy peas. I can't be expected to get everything right.

I am now enjoying the giddy high that only excess fat & carbohydrate can achieve. The Fall are on the radio. A Sisters of Mercy special has been on while I've been typing this. A perfect end to a day that has had much more good than bad. I needed one of those days. It's been a long time coming.

Not a good start to the day. Awoke feeling as appalling as I did on Tuesday; lots of pain & difficulty breathing. Forced myself out of bed to take pills but due to empty stomach the pills made me feel very sick. Mood crashed & forced myself to eat a banana. Bananas don't seem to fill this monkey with joy. I have filled the morning with Lana Del Rey, Morrissey & Rik Mayall in an attempt to cheer me up. Mind working overtime this morning, rushing from bad thought to nasty circumstance to horrible happening to foul conclusion. Ugly, ugly conclusion. Lana was a nice distraction.  She hasn't made me feel better but at least I don't feel sick any more.

This afternoon I will sew, iron & call the psych well being service as they haven't sent me the details about the stress management groups they promised. I think they might be necessary.   I might have to watch "The Big Bang Theory" as well. And breathe, lots of breathing. Breathing is good.

My man tin.

Mummy got me a man tin. In the absence of manly items I have filled it with my make up & nail varnish. My face & fingers are sponsored by Barry M.

initial burble

In the absence of being able to get out & about & a realisation that I have to get things out... I'm starting an outlet, an overflow, a catharsis of sorts. Writing for myself is something I've neglected. I have come to realise that myself is something I've neglected too, so this is a process of reflection, a measure of progress, evidence for myself of learning, proof of improvement. The very first step, asking for help has been the most difficult & I've been fortunate enough to be well placed to have some brilliant people around me who have been pointing me in the right direction. It's time to take the steps, to put the action in. I must do this for myself as much as to honour & thank those people. Carrying on as I have been will kill me, no doubt about that. I've been here before & the the results were almost fatal. I don't want that. 

A visit to A&E on Tuesday convinced me that asking for help is the right & correct thing to do. I admitted I can't carry on without help & was fortunate to be offered that. Following agonisingly frustrating days of rest, today I've got a little energy back. I have made soup. I have painted my nails. Having got the essentials out of the way it's time to do some more... 

The things to do are.

1. Thank the hospital, specifically the doctor.
2. Call the work helpline & ask them about help for my state of mind. I cannot risk waiting until the end of the month.
3. Make some toadstools for Jack's fairground ride.
4. Sew some trousers. 
5. Sort the laundry.

Five things. Should not take long. Will report back.